And then the Giant Squid consumed Hogwarts
by Hey Vixen
Summary: What happens when a quirky french girl and a spunky irish girl go to Hogwarts? WARNING: things may explode randomly. [written by heather & marissa] R&R.
1. First Encounter

**disclaimer: characters are J.K.R.'s not mine, don't sue me, etc.**

"Where has my toad gone?"

"BLOODY HELL, THAT'S MY FOOT!"

"Has someone seen my parcels?"

"Didn't you save a compartment for us?"

"I'm so excited!"

"Bye, Mum!"

"Did you see where Lavender went?"

"I think I'm going to hurl."

"I'll be home for winter holidays, don't worry!"

"I think the new captain of the Chudley Cannons is better..."

"Do you have enough underwear packed?"

"MUM!"

"Oh, bother."

The bustling humdrum of Platform Nine and Three-Quarters overflowed with the Hogwarts students as they wished their farewells, coaxed their toads back in their cages, and found compartments to ride in. High-pitched screams met the ears of many students as a few first years found a rat scrambling across their compartment.

"Perhaps this year there will be a Christmas or Halloween Ball..." The chattering of the anxious, excited, (and some even queasy) students reached the nearly empty compartment housing only one girl. She stroked her light blonde hair absentmindedly as she read one of her many books.

BANG!

"OH! Dangit! I knew I left my exploding snap cards somewhere." The girl in the nearly empty compartment looked up as a girl with slightly smoking orange locks stepped into the compartment.

"Mind if I sit here?" She mused, scratching her head.

The girl looked at her with wondering grey eyes.

"Do you know that your hair is smoking?" The other girl laughed.

"Yeah, quite nasty side effect of using exploding snap cards with hair barrettes."

The girl with grey eyes laughed at the exasperated look the orange haired girl gave.

"I'm Kira Cassidy." The girl with orange hair said, her emerald eyes twinkling.

"Gracelyn Badeau... Gracie." Kira noticed her slight accent.

"Oi! Are you french?"

"Yes, actually."

"OH MY GOSH! I'veneveractuallybeentofrancebutIalwayswantedtogo what's it like?" She said this all very fast, some of it blurred by her irish accent.

"Well, it's kind of like a big french orgy..."

"ORGY?" A third year boy burst into the room.

"Le sigh."

"Not yet, little man."

And the third year walked away with an emo face and singing Bright Eyes.

(which immediately attracted Draco to him.)

(who was caught snogging the third year in the broom cupboard of the train.)

(which made a very jealous!Harry.)

(why resulted in a few train toilets being blown up.)

(which were then sent promptly to Fred and George, care take of Ginny.)

...

"Did you hear that?"

"What?"

"I think it was my self-esteem being eaten by something."


	2. Awkward Greetings

"Hogwarts certainly is different than Beauxbatons." Gracie mumbled, shoving her book back into her parcel.

"I know!", Kira squeeled, jumping up onto the seat next to her. "Isn't it better!"

"Umm..Sure...Whatever." she replied, desperately trying to space herself out from Kira, who now was jumping up and down on hands and knees.

Suddenly, a figure galloped down the train's corridor, making Gracie fall to the floor in shock.

"Who the bloody hell was that zooming around at 100 miles an hour?" Kira screamed, helping Grace off the floor.

"I don't know." she answered bluntly, "but I'm going to find out."

Gracie ripped open the compartment door and sped down the corridor after the shadow.

She continued along, with no sign of the figure, when she realized she wasn't alone.

"Jesus, Kira!" she yelped, grabbing her chest.

"Sorry." she replied. "I got bored in the cabin."

Gracie gave her a confused look.

"But..You were in there alone for 20 seconds."

Kira nodded.

"Just enough time to realize I was bored."

Without another word, Grace had turned back around and continued hunting.

They inched down the hall, each second running faster and faster.

Until Gracie's head reached an unexpected barrier, Ron Weasley.

She flew backwards onto Kira, who landed on top of Fred Weasley, who crashed onto George Weasley, who ricocheted off of the candy trolley and into Harry Potter's waiting lap.

"Ow..I'm so sorry!" Gracie cooed, holding Ron's head in her arms. "Can you see clearly?"

"Well.." he breathed, "I would be able to if you weren't poking me in the eye."  
Gracie's eyes shot down, and low and behold, her thumb lay in Ron's left eyelid.

"Sorry!" she whimpered again, thrusting her finger out of his cornea.

"It's alright." he groaned, bracing himself to stand.

"Kira?" Gracie shouted, looking around.

"Here I am." she replied, comfortably seated on Fred Weasley.

"Is it my birthday?" he mused, patting her head.

Kira let out a girgled laugh and kissed him on the cheek.

"It sure is, Fred." George laughed, still, oddly enough, on top of Harry.

After awkward glances, helpings up (and five rather odd trips to the toilet by both George and Harry,) they sat comfortably in a train compartment, sipping tea and sharing several stories which reddened everyone's face at least once as they sped, happily (and unknowingly) to Hogwarts.


	3. Redheads Rule the Bedroom

Giggling and squee-ing, Kira rode in the carriage with Ron, Fred, George, Harry, Hermione, and a rather annoyed (french-cursing) Gracie.

"Merde, merde! Le baiseur de mère pourquoi pas vous soyez calme, imbécile?" Gracie suddenly shouted loudly in french.

"Wait, I know french!" Hermione interrupted, looking happy that she was the only one who could converse with the beautiful french girl. Gracie glared at her.

"Est-ce que je peux vous offrir un panais?"

"Non, vous ne pouvez pas."

"Où est le crayon de mon oncle?"

"Je ne sais pas. Peut-être il est dans votre âne?"

Kira laughed at the disgusted face Gracie made as the bushy-haired girl mutilated her lovely french language. Gracie managed a smile as no one knew that she had insulted the bossy girl except for Kira.

"You know, Gracie, I've always loved french girls- i mean, the french language, perhaps you could teach me?" Ron reddened as Gracie winked. Hermione glowered (although she didn't notice Kira taking something from Fred and sticking it in her cloak.)

"RON!"

"What?"

"You kicked me!"

"Did not!"

"Not again." Harry muttered as Fred and George groaned.

"They've been fighting all summer." Harry said quietly to Kira, who was be quite deafened, sitting next to a screaming Hermione. She giggled as Hermione suddenly stopped mid-scolding. Ron continued yelling unaware of the horror-stricken look on Hermione's face. Gracie cast an approving glance at Kira.

"What have you done to her?" Gracie whispered.

"A simple voice mutilating charm. Screamo bands use it." Kira laughed again. "Except it's in the form of an enchanted item. And there's no way she would throw it away." Gracie raised an eyebrow, as Kira looked sideways at the others, as if suspecting them of listening in. "A book." Gracie actually laughed this time.

"What are you two whispering about, hmm?" George questioned.

"About how much we love redheads." Gracie said, smirking at the twins and Ron who had not stopped yelling at the silenced Hermione until now.

"Huh?" The carriage suddenly stopped as they all piled out and onto the steps (Kira slipping a few times).

In the Great Hall, everyone looked either very happy to be back or rather somber that summer vacation was over. Gracie nervously shuffled her shoes as she left Kira to go to the Slytherin table and grabbed a seat next to Draco.

After the Sorting Ceremony (in which Kira claimed, rather loudly, three new first years.), the start-of-term feast began. Gracie ate delicately and slowly while Kira laughed boisterously, swinging her cup of cider as if the Great Hall were an Irish pub. The Hall quieted down as Dumbledore stood majestically to make his annual first day speech.

"Welcome everyone- new and old.-" Kira starting snoring loudly, her face in what was left of her lentil soup. Gracie held a half-smile on her face. She was starting to like this eccentric Kira.

**author's note:** The conversation is french in the beginning translates loosely into:

Gracie- "Shit, Shit! Mother fucker why won't you calm down, idiot!"

Hermione- "May I offer you a parsnip?"

Gracie- "No, you may not."

Hermione- "Where is my uncle's pencil?"

Gracie- "Oh, I don't know. Perhaps it is up your ass?"


	4. The Feast and The Plan

"This year…" Dumbledore boomed across the tables into the eager ears of the hundreds of students who filled their seats.

"…Hogwarts will proudly display it's spirit and admiration for the love of the game by holding

The Quidditch Tournaments,

the first of it's kind, and certainly a promising competition, if I do say so myself."

"He says so for the whole bloody institution." Draco spat, folding his arms over his chest.  
His goons snorted loudly and slammed their forks into the table.  
Gracie grabbed hold of Goyle and pushed him aside, thrusting herself into Draco's grinning face.  
"Don't be jealous that people actually listen to him and not you or your slimy git of a father."

At that remark, Draco's lips stuck shut and his eyes widened to the point of falling out.

"How DARE you!" he shouted, his face resembling some sort of fish.  
Gracie merely smirked and stretched back into her seat.

Kira, completely entranced with Fred's smiling gaze, was totally unaware of Gracie's little insult.  
Her eyes searched his eyes, his nose, his lips. She barely heard Dumbledore over the roar of lust flooding her brain.

"…the best players from each team will be placed in one team, representing Hogwarts. On , November the 5,

their bravery and strength will be tested, as they will play against 3 opposing schools."  
Fred lit up at the idea of being one of the elite few to join the team.  
"Fuck Kira!"

Kira shot her head towards Ron, who was staring from her to Fred, with a look of confusion on his face.  
"Look at Fred any harder and your panties will explode!"  
Fred, realizing someone was talking about him, swiveled in his chair.  
"What?"

"Nothing!" Kira shouted, digging her nails into her chair.

He smirked and turned back to Dumbledore.

"Now…Let the feast begin!"

--------------------------

"Bloody Hell." Ron mumbled to himself, grabbing at his stomach.  
"One more Pumpkin Pasty and I'd have about burst."

"Then aren't we lucky the elves shooed you out of the kitchen when you went hunting for more."  
"Well..I was hungry."  
"After seventeen pieces of chocolate cake?"  
"And half a dozen meat pies.?"  
"Don't forget the pile of steaming chicken he picked clean."

"Alright. So I eat a lot, what's the problem?"

Gracie giggled and walked past Ron, catching up with Kira.

"So are you going out for Quidditch?"

Kira snuck a glance into Fred's direction and nodded.  
"I think I am."  
"Me too."  
Suddenly, Kira smiled and began to jump frantically.  
"OMGNOWAY! WECANTOTALLYSHAREBROOMSECRETS  
ANDLEARNNEWTRICKSANDOMG.."

Gracie smiled and nodded, while hoisted in the air by her shoulders.  
"What is it?" Harry questioned, almost scared by Kira's sudden outburst.  
"We are going to the Tournament."

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** While Draco's father may be a slimy git, he is hotter than many people that stand on the earth, Draco included.


	5. Why is Fred in All of Ron's Sex Dreams?

"Gracie! Wake up!" Kira loomed in front of Gracie's face as the latter woke up groggily.

"What are you doing in my bed, Kira?"

"You know, you're not the first person to say that."

"I figured." This made Kira laugh. Gracie quickly covered her mouth.

"Shhh... do you really think Slytherins sleep deeply?"

"No, I assumed they slept with each other." Gracie giggled as Kira led her out of the dormitory.

"Where are we going?"

"To wake everyone else up."

"Why? What are we doing?"

"Having an orgy- UH, I MEAN PARTY, beside the lake."

"...so why does it have to be at midnight?"

"Because it's more magical that way!"

"..you are so weird."

"But you love it!"

"Yes, I do!"

"Who do you want to kidnap tonight, Gracie?"

"I'm thinking a certain redhead will be perfect."

"Now, that wouldn't happen to be a redhead _jokester_ would it?"

"Don't get your panties in a twist. I was thinking of ickleronniekins."

"A certain bushy-haired-girl-like-a-squirrel won't be too happy."

"Do I really care?"

They giggled as they made their way down the dark corridors. Of course she didn't.

Gracie waited impatiently outside the door of Fred and George's bedroom, waiting for Kira to come out with Fred. Only the faint sounds of giggling escaped the dormitory.

"Well, I might as well join her." Gracie strolled down the stairs and into Ron's dorm.

-----------------

Kira crept into Fred's dorm. She wasn't quite sure which four poster was his- oh, wait it has to be that middle one. She could see a bunch of his mother's sweaters knitted "Fred" peeping out from underneath his bed. She slowly opened the curtain, and admired his features as the moonlight shone on him. Those soft eyes, those tantalizing lips. Restraining herself only partially, she slid into his bed and under his covers miraculously without waking him up. She slowly stroked his face with her soft fingertips.

-----------------

Gracie stole into Ron's room, and quickly spotted his toes peeking out from between his curtains. Leaning over his bed, she quickly stole a kiss.

"Gracie? What are you doing in my bed?"

"I'm not. You're still dreaming."

"Oh, ok." His cute red hair was all over the place.

"Come with me."

"For sex?" Gracie giggled. Who _asks_ girls for sex in a dream?

"Sure, but right now you're coming with me."

------------------

Kira could barely contain herself. After what seemed like forever- but was actually only a few seconds- she straddled Fred and began to passionately kiss him. Sometime between the snogging and the straddling- Fred finally awoke without much complaint.

"Kira?"

"Fred!"

"George!" George moaned loudly from the other four poster.

"Would you kindly move the snogfest somewhere else?" Kira smirked.

"You heard the man."

-------------------

Kira led Fred down the stairs, his hands firmly on her hips because he was still "waking up" and rather drowsy. Kira smirked as she saw Gracie on an overstuffed armchair, snogging the hell out of someone.

"Oh, don't wait for me, Gracie."

"Huh?" Gracie lifted her head up to see Fred and Kira with their arms intertwined.

"WHY IS FRED ALWAYS IN MY SEX DREAMS?!" a rather bewildered Ron exclaimed, still slightly under Gracie.

-------------------

The foursome laughed as they ran across the lawn, still lightly damp from the afternoon rain. Kira tripped and Fred tumbled on top of her, rolling in the grass. Ron and Gracie spin in circles till they couldn't walk straight and fell in a heap, laughing hysterically.

"Hey Kira! Let's go ice skating!" Fred and Kira ran off towards the lake as Gracie exclaimed-

"But it's not frozen!"

"This is the best dream ever." Ron whispered, his eyes slightly glazed over from lack of sleep. He held Gracie's hand as they watched the stars dance before their eyes. Before they realized it, they had fallen asleep in each other's arms.

"Fred! Wait up!" Kira ran and slipped on the icy lake. Good thing the magical kind of ice couldn't break.

"Catch me if you can!" Fred laughed and fell as well. Kira slid on the ice towards him, succeeding in wetting her robes.

"Caught." Kira laughed as Fred's soft lips danced before her. Before she could steal the moment, he pressed his lips against hers. Passionate, unapologetic, and rather cold snogging replaced their light play. As they had to breathe eventually, Fred broke the kiss. Kira laughed quite randomly.

"Snogging on Ice." She murmured, caught up in her giggles.

------------------

"Are you sure you and Fred can make it back up to bed without our help?" Gracie mused, while twisting her hair attractively.

"I'm pretty sure no one would go to bed if you two can help it." Fred murmured, tickling Kira.

"Besides, we all know now why Ickleronnikins always has Fred in his sex dreams."

Laughter echoed through the Hogwarts corridors.

**Author's Note: **Fred George.


	6. Seeing Things

"Shit."

"No No No No No."

"I knew this would happen to me."

"What is it?"

"I said if I took Professor Binn's class again, I'd kill myself."

"Well, I'll get you the hatchet."

Gracie looked up from her schedule and gave Ron a confusing stare.  
"And who is Sibyll Trelawney?"

Ron let out a laugh, and pointed her in the direction of the staff table.  
His finger landed on a thin, wild-haired woman talking in vivid detail with Professor McGonagall.

Her huge glasses enlarged her eyes, making her look rather like an insect. She wore gauzy, spangled shawls  
and an endless supply of bangles, beads and rings.

"She teaches Divination." Ron replied, returning to his porridge.

"Hermione's favourite subject." Harry teased, tugging at Hermione's frizzy hair.

She winced at her name being mentioned but didn't look up from her large, rather dull-looking book.

"Well, I think she looks rather interesting." Kira mumbled, in between bites of muffin.

"Yeah..Loads of fun."

Ron rolled his eyes and went back to his schedule.

Gracie giggled and took a sip of orange juice but something at the staff table caught her eye.

"Who is that man there?" she whispered to Harry.  
"Him?"  
"Yeah."

Kira looked up to where Harry and Gracie were pointing and noticed a tall, scruffy man, in his late thirties.

His hair was messy and his face looked tired.

His clothes were shabby and torn in some spots, but he managed to keep himself together, looking rather handsome.

"That is Professor Lupin."

"The werewolf?" Kira burst out, spitting bits of muffin onto the table.

"Yeah. He resigned after his first year teaching here, but came back for protection against the Death Eaters."

Harry's voice had faded slowly, mushing itself together. All Gracie could seem to hear was Professor Lupin's heartbeat.

He was so far away and yet, he was right on top of her, breathing down her neck.

He turned slowly towards her, studied her for a moment then went back to talking with Dumbledore.

She knew at once, as an animal instict, she needed to get closer to him.

-------------

"Now, if you would turn your books to page 434, we can begin..."

Already, the academic year was off to a foul start.  
Potions dumped five pages of bookwork onto their laps, and Herbology proved interesting when half the class (including Gracie, Kira, George and Ginny) began to break out in large, purple, puss-filled bumps, a side-effect to the shrivelfigs they had been dissecting.

Now, landed in Arithmacy, time seemed to come to a complete halt.

Gracie's head had become a weight, pulling her down through the table.

Kira found entertainment in passing notes back and forth with Fred, while Harry and Ron we're discussing Quidditch tryouts.

"They are this afternoon, you know."  
"Yeah. I can't wait."

--------------

Gracie stood at the end of the Quidditch Pitch, shading her eyes with her hand, as she looked up into the sky overhead.

Kira had grabbed the Quaffle, and soared past Draco Malfoy, and lauched it into the center ring.

"Excellent Ms. Cassidy!" Madame Hooch shouted from her broomstick, her finger set atop a hand timer.  
"A record-breaking score!"

Kira grinned and soared up to Fred's broom, nudging him with her fist.

"I suppose I am a natural at the game."  
He laughed and kicked her broom, playfully knocking it away.  
"Yeah. A natural loser."  
------------

"Miss Gracelyn Badeau."  
Gracie looked over to Madame Hooch, and quickly mounted her broom.

She shot up through the low hanging clouds, and stopped inches away from Ron.  
"Ready?"  
"Born Ready."

Madame Hooch's whistle rung into her ears, triggering her broom to accelerate.

Cedric Diggory rushed after the Quaffle, bashing into Angelina Johnston, knocking her from her broom.  
He scooped the ball into his arms, circled the stands, then pushed it into Gracie's hand.

She tucked it beneath her arm, and made her way to the rings.

She was suddenly cut off by Draco Malfoy, who had stopped his broom, causing Gracie to swerve wildly.

Luckily, she regained her balance and sunk the ball into the left hoop.

Her broom came to a halt over The Forbidden Forest's tangled trees.

Cheers erupted around her, but she didn't hear them. Her eyes widened. It was here.  
She let out a blood-curtling scream and fell from her broom to the muddy ground below.

-------------

"Wake up, you."  
Gracie's eyes had become two rocks, making it nearly impossible for her eyes to open.  
"Wh-Wha--Happen?" she scrambeld out, clutching at her side.  
"You fell."

"No shit, Ron. I think she knows that much."

"Yeah. Why did you fall, then?"   
It suddenly came back to her. The image. In the forest.

She bolted up out of bed, nearly knocking heads with Kira.  
"What's wrong?" Kira questioned, grabbing at Gracie's arms.

A look of pure horror rushed over her face.

"The...Mark."  
"What mark?"  
"In the forest. The trees.."

"Have you gone insane?"

"No one else saw it?"

Harry pushed through Kira and placed his hands on Gracie's shoulders.  
"The Dark Mark?"  
Gracie nodded.

"He's coming back."


	7. We don't really NEED a ho, kthnx

"Where's that hatchet?" Ron whispered to Gracie during History Of Magic. The Professor's boring drone of a speech dragged on and on.

"Under my cloak."

"Is that so?" A devilish grin came upon his face. His hand slowly wound it's way under her clothes...

Gracie gasped and awoke. The entire history of magic class snickered as they watched Gracie's cheeks redden as she realized her dream. She gave Ron a swift, wondering look as she sank lower in the uncomfortable chair.

"Gracie."

"Ron?"

"Harry!"

Binns goes on teaching

"Professor!! But didn't the First Merlin of Warlock get stunted with a not-properly-performed stunning spell?"

"ZomgHermioneShutUp." Kira was too busy being enraptured in Professor Binn's lesson... for... some reason to be bothered with Hermione's questions.

"Kira... whatcha doing?" Harry wondered.

"Well... I was just thinking about what it would be like to have sex with a ghost." Since she declared this rather loudly, everyone turned and stared at the grinning girl. Binns turned a dreadful shade of red, unable to ignore her statement.

"I didn't know ghosts could blush, Kira."

------------------------

"OW! MY TOEEE!!!!"

"YOU JUST HAPPENED TO HAVE YOUR ELBOW IN MY FACE, OK??"

"GOSH, WOULD YOU STOP BEING A CUNT FOR LIKE... TWO SECONDS?"

"WELL, SHIT ON TOAST- YOU BUGGERS ARE LOUD."

Ron and Hermione stopped their bickering as they stared at Gracie, who happened to have her hands on her hips, her lips pursed.

"KTHNXSTFUNOWBYEE." Kira laughed as she took Gracie's hand and skipped away to the Quidditch field.

-----------------------

The whole school had gathered about the stadium, stomping about the stands.

grumble grumble should have brought an extra sock grumble

"BONJOURNO, KIDDOS!" Snape gave Dumbledore a rather confused look. Dumbledore replied with one of his signature "all-knowing" glances.

"As y'all know, Cedric, the not deadric team captaino, has picked out the best Quidditch players to compete against the evilahagdfggf;; other schools. Yay, the thrill of the orgy- uh, competition! And now for the those lucky team players!"

Kira and Gracie looked at each other anxiously as they gripped their hands together hard.

"Harry Potter! Cedric Diggory! Draco Malfoy! Ginny Weasley! Fred Weasley! George Weasley! Ron Weasley! Gracie Badeau! Kira Cassidy!"

The crowd was in an uproar as the girls squealed happily. Kira ran and jumped on Fred in excitement, and he fell to the ground laughing and kissing her. Ron grasped Gracie around her waist and twirled her about. George gave an oddly happy Harry a piggy back ride. Even Draco didn't look like the usual sourpuss, gazing at Cedric's handsome face. Ginny was the only one who was rather flustered as she had no one to cuddle, kiss, gaze, twirl, or swoon over. But that's ok, because we don't really need a ho.

**Author's Note:** Shut up, Ginny's not even as good-looking as George.


End file.
